?

Log in

Randomness

Videogames
Videogames are an outlet from things like feelings. I get into moral quandaries about even the most basic things that might require me to take a life or where life might be lost as a consequence of me…. including driving, walking etc. Yet, here in these games, I can kill with reckless abandon. I have no desire to be the top dog or to be a hero in real life on a grand scale and yet in the game, I am willing to kill to achieve my goals. As these characters become more and more lifelike, will it be harder? Is that a danger? Right now, I might say that games give students and young people, perhaps even adults, a way to be a hero or detach from their everyday emotions in a healthy way. What If it was harder to tell the difference? What they be more empathetic to the game characters or less so to the real world where they have less power and it is so close to their reality that they feel a real sense of anger or inferiority?

Hiking
My summer hiking has really been eclectic, thought-provoking and wonderful. Yael and I were hiking an old set of trails/roads no longer used today and it was awesome to see nature taking over. There were still pockets here and there of humanity…graffiti and garbage under a bridge, ATV treads etc. but it was a wonderful mix of human activity and nature. I juxtapose this with the AT like I hiked in Shenandoah where it is more of a “hike @ your own risk in this wild place” and even more so with the “we have made this so accessible even those in wheelchairs can come” attitude of the Wisconsin Dells. I really have just enjoyed both the accessibility of some of the places that I have visited this year and smile at the joy that these wide, even, paved trails might give someone with mobility in a way that I have never appreciated them before. I have also enjoyed the rugged wildness of others that basically say that you can only enjoy this beauty if you can get to it. And there were all of the various places in between. The suburban trails, the easy walks to wildish places like Havana Glen, the ones that are overgrown and being taken back like in Plainville or the ones that have not really been discovered like those in Newington
 

My summer

So far this summer I have driven through 14 different states, hiked in several of them and found something awesome in each. I slept listening to the rush of Niagara Falls, stood in the Bridal veil falls and walked with my love along the mighty river that was fed by both of them.  I stood on the tallest peak in Shenandoah and in cave like crevices in the Wisconsin dells. I have become a National Geographic Certified Educator, a NOAA severe weather spotter given a lecture at the US Space and Rocket Center.

I have stopped eating sugar, married caffeine and started working out daily. I started eating meat, stopped using a CPAP and moved. I am working on a prospectus, started a great position with a University and started reflecting how to be a better colleague and better connect with my students.

It has been a great summer!

Aug. 29th, 2016

The motion outside the panes is pillow symphony soft
every sense tasting the unique gifts only a jet stream can provide
The motion
at the same time
a raucous crowd cheering the temporary freedom from
humidity that slows down even time
and subjects trying to break free from a rooted oppression
that I only partially understand.

the forest for the trees.
the leaves.

I wonder about the politics of this motion
 the freedom it foreshadows in the light of a fortnight or so

The ones that ride a stiff, cool breeze say they were lucky
or would they credit some inner resource, their own gumption and bravery
Would they thank their foundation for the strength to ride a song of ice to
nurture some far way soil?

Do those that casually see-saw to the ground
no more than feet from where they formed
feel the guilt of laziness or do they see this ride as honoring their truth, their desire for simple and pure
Does the wood whisper of what they could have been or
sway in the comfort that only tradition can provide?

the march of progress foretold on a cool, summer eve.

Jun. 6th, 2016

My anxiety is wicked high right now. I never had anxiety, hell, I never had stress when I was younger. I used to know exactly how to get everything done and knew that I had it. That all went away when I had a horrible boss about 10 years ago. Their demeanor made me so reactive to curtness or people in authority who have a demanding tone. It colored my relationships with people whom I respected and manifested in a self-consciousness that leads me to act arrogant to mask my lack of self-esteem or self-assuredness. That is not what is causing it now though. Now, it is because I am married. ;)
Well, somewhat. The anxiety that I get now is much more of a “what do I do if…how can I make sure we are ok if…holy shit,

I can do nothing about…” type of stuff. The illusion of control no longer exists and so everything from bad luck to someone’s whim and my own poor decisions are a threat that I try to plan for. Of course, this is momentary, other moments I throw caution to the wind and just enjoy life, but when the anxiety creeps up it is insidious, it’s rank breath detectable every hour of my day at times like these…a stench I am used to and largely ignore until moments where it becomes so heavy I cannot help but dwell on it…like living in a town with a fertilizer plant on a summer day.

This weekend we officially lost our baby and our home. When we first looked at this location, we fell for the house instantly and it was perfect for us. She wanted long term tenants and we wanted long term security as I finished my doctorate. We had talked about buying the house. She came @ 9pm Friday night to let us know that her daughter needed the house by the end of the month. Boom. Just like that we lost our home with less than 30 days to move out. We were living there as if would be there for the long haul…the first time I have ever started acquiring things in a way that I could not pack up my entire life in the back of my truck and move on. Hell, it seems the only thing I actually did get rid of was my truck. ;) So, here we are…with my about to leave for several weeks, a miscarriage, unsure work situation and having to move to a place….awesome. This weekend was the first time that I stopped thinking about how thankful I am that is it not something much more serious like cancer, mass destruction or a job loss (Baruch Hashem). Instead, I just allowed myself to cry with my spouse for the sadness that brought it to our lives for right now. So, temporary shit begets temporary sadness and hopefully long term positive solutions. We will drive for another baby, we will find another house, we will learn the lesson of verbal contracts and hopefully work will work itself out.  So, I am trying to feel things, not live in fear and anxiety and look towards the future….while being really tired. J
 

Jun. 1st, 2016

My anxiety is wicked high right now. I never had anxiety, hell, I never had stress when I was younger. I used to know exactly how to get everything done and knew that I had it. That all went away when I had a horrible boss about 10 years ago. Their demeanor made me so reactive to curtness or people in authority who have a demanding tone. It colored my relationships with people whom I respected and manifested in a self-consciousness that leads me to act arrogant to mask my lack of self-esteem or self-assuredness. That is not what is causing it now though. Now, it is because I am married. ;)
Well, somewhat. The anxiety that I get now is much more of a “what do I do if…how can I make sure we are ok if…holy shit,

I can do nothing about…” type of stuff. The illusion of control no longer exists and so everything from bad luck to someone’s whim and my own poor decisions are a threat that I try to plan for. Of course, this is momentary, other moments I throw caution to the wind and just enjoy life, but when the anxiety creeps up it is insidious, it’s rank breath detectable every hour of my day at times like these…a stench I am used to and largely ignore until moments where it becomes so heavy I cannot help but dwell on it…like living in a town with a fertilizer plant on a summer day.

This weekend we officially lost our baby and our home. When we first looked at this location, we fell for the house instantly and it was perfect for us. She wanted long term tenants and we wanted long term security as I finished my doctorate. We had talked about buying the house. She came @ 9pm Friday night to let us know that her daughter needed the house by the end of the month. Boom. Just like that we lost our home with less than 30 days to move out. We were living there as if would be there for the long haul…the first time I have ever started acquiring things in a way that I could not pack up my entire life in the back of my truck and move on. Hell, it seems the only thing I actually did get rid of was my truck. ;) So, here we are…with my about to leave for several weeks, a miscarriage, unsure work situation and having to move to a place….awesome. This weekend was the first time that I stopped thinking about how thankful I am that is it not something much more serious like cancer, mass destruction or a job loss (Baruch Hashem). Instead, I just allowed myself to cry with my spouse for the sadness that brought it to our lives for right now. So, temporary shit begets temporary sadness and hopefully long term positive solutions. We will drive for another baby, we will find another house, we will learn the lesson of verbal contracts and hopefully work will work itself out.  So, I am trying to feel things, not live in fear and anxiety and look towards the future….while being really tired. J

I'm just in a bad f****** mood today. I apparently put on mismatched shoes this morning and didn't realize it until about 10 o'clock... And we're talking about a hiking boot versus a training shoe one blue one brown not even close to each other. In addition, I found out that I have spent all day at school with a large rip in the crotch of my pants about the size the top of a coffee cup... Not small. Oh yeah, and we found out the pregnancy might not be viable but won't have any more information until an ultrasound on Thursday and we're 7 weeks pregnant plus a couple days at that point and a good friend of mine is in the hospital and doesn't look anything like himself. They don't seem to know what's wrong with him but at least happy he's not coughing up blood anymore. I am frustrated emotionally tired scared sad and many other things. I am tired but all I want to do is run or throw heavy things because I don't know what else to do. These are not big deals for the most part, but it has just been a rough day. I want to be sad if the baby passes away and I will... So I don't even know if it's a baby it's more like a babyish.  and I'm sure that I will be sad at the Lost potential but I also believe that our body does what it thinks is right and it knows best. I also think about the many more opportunities that we have Kama regardless of her age. The baby was in the right place and all the other things seem to have gone right so I say f*** it let's try again! I also have to remember that she may need time to mourn as if we have an issue and perhaps I will too but right now I have to think about the possibilities. I'm going to go somewhere and be angry now. I hope if you're reading this you're having a better day than I.

May. 19th, 2016

so, the babies are fine. Wait, what? Yup, there may be two yoke sacs which perhaps become...? :D

We are also informed that one may be a phantom twin and not real. The good news is that her hormones were normal when they checked on Monday though she is pretty much getting them checked weekly. We shall see....if all stays "normal" than we tell Mom and Dad over Memorial Day weekend and Gma a few weeks later when she comes to RI. YAY!!!!! :D :D I went from being terrified to being almost euphoric.

I am in the planning stages for my residency trip this summer and it looks like i will be galavanting through NY, Canada, MI, WI, MN, ND
SD, IA, IN, IL and OH...insane! :) I am both excited and nervous because of time and money but that is nothing new. :) I am a rare week where I am getting future and other projects done and not freaking out about immediate things that need to be taken care of. It is a nice feeling. I was offered and accepted an Advisor gig with a major University and that starts in earnest next week with an insane amount by June 1st through the entire month...fun!

I felt really lucky and happy over the last few days, despite the low energy, and I feel so nervous when i say that, like i am inviting bad things. I am not though..rather, wanting to thank the universe for this point in my life and understand that so many are not in that place in their lives. I dunno... I think that is more of the point...lately, I just feel really thankful for this life and excited about it and things in it. I understand, i think, the ebb and flow of things so I am just trying to feel the flow as strongly as I do the ebb sometimes. :)

6 weeks.

We are six week pregnant this week. I have so many amazing feelings. From the start it has been surreal. She came into the bedroom @ 6am on a Monday morning holding a test and it all started from there.  Though, for some context, when she came into the bedroom with the test I was naked and did not have my glasses on. When she showed me the test what I saw was a straight negative sign. I told her that we would just try again next month and tried to hug her. She backed away and said “are you kidding me?” before she realized I didn’t have my glasses on.  It got much better after that but I spent two days just saying and thinking, “holy shit.” ;)
Actually, I have a lot of guilt over spending the first couple of days lamenting the major change coming to my life because of this but within a couple of days (2.5 to be exact) I had come around. In my defense, she is 41 and we are not using drugs so the chances of her getting pregnant were low so it was a bit unexpected for me. :)

The amazing responsibility terrified me at first and still does. At the same time, I was and am still a bit scared of how to make my life something that is not all about a child now. Sometimes, I feel like I barely hold things together and I was and am still a bit scared about not being good enough for the child, for her or for the things I feel are important to me either. I know this sounds so selfish and it is to a point. For me it was like I spent so many year catering to other people because I thought that was the only lace I had worth, for others, and now that I have an understanding of what it is to find worth in myself and my accomplishments, I am going to be responsible for devoting my time to ensuring another person’s development and happiness. FUCK. ;) I say this one moment but the next I am ecstatic and feeling so amazed at the process and the amazing privilege it will be to be part of this. I am complicated. :)

All of this would remain tongue in cheek and I be able to continue being happy and terrified at the same time if she had not gotten a phone call that we need to come in for an emergency ultrasound on Monday. They asked her to double what she takes and let them know if she is in pain which thankfully has not happened so we will see tomorrow morning. I am in a weird place with this. I want the baby to be healthy and safe no questions asked. I also feel like if this is not viable than it is proof that she can still get it done AND that what is in their now becomes absorbed into an even stronger womb for our next try but I know this is really naïve. I am not worried at this juncture, just hopeful. I have seen a dragonfly I thought was nothing but a shell escape a spiders web and fly off and I have seen a half dead mouse stuck on a trap for days run away so I cannot help but believe that nature is amazing and hoping to feel that same amazement again. IF not then, I support her and roll with it. I think the most maddening thing for me right now is that there might be a tiny seed of a thing that is trying to survive but cannot get a hold, cannot find a place to call home and is slowly fading inside of her and there is nothing that we can do…no amount of encouragement or hope or wishing…no matter how bad they may want each other’s company…there is nothing that I can do to help. This makes me want to cry more than anything.

Now that I have my 6 month schedule laid out on Facebook I will get a little bit more reflective. When I was young and I think that most people when they are young comma I thought the reason the world didn't change was that we didn't want it to. That adults are older people simply refuse to see logic and because of it change never happened. However, as I get older and especially now that I have a family, I see it so differently. I Now understand that things like homelessness and poverty in Wars halfway across the globe simply aren't on a parent or families radar in many cases. How could it be when you're an adult and trying to make sure that your family has things that you think are important? How can it be when you're worried about money or your job or your kids health? I understand now that the far scary reality of the world is that many people simply don't pay attention to these things. It is not for lack of wants, but perhaps out of necessity or feeling of Duty or responsibility. I guess in a way that's both good and bad. In a good way at least people are not actively fearing or choosing to not help, but at the same time how can we be so focused and so selfish that we cannot reach out to our brother while our children at the same time? I'm struggling with this question as my family undergoes a lot of change and I am so busy trying to set myself and my family up for a job that allows me the freedom to be concerned with others again. :-) I wonder how much I have changed and if I am still the same kind, oh where, and conscientious person that I was in my past. I believe that I still am that person, but I find often that I think about doing things in brief or limited ways that could be considered superficial because I truly feel like at that moment it is the best I can do. Last year Jolene watched as I had a breakdown that there was nothing that I was doing to help Syrian refugees. The honest realization that if I wanted to make a difference Kama it would mean leaving my family and going to a country where I don't speak the language and can't drive a boat because I felt like I should be doing something instead of sitting here watching it on TV. it was the first time my activist desire butted heads with the realization of my responsibility to my family. I don't think I would actually ever have gone halfway across the world to do something I have no idea how to do, but it was the realization that I couldn't now and that the freedom to help others must be trumped by responsibility to helping my family and that those things are off and wants not immediate needs for safety. It was the first time that I was admitting that I would rather keep myself comfortable then help somebody across the world because it gave me a sense of satisfaction. I'm still dealing with the effects and I'm painfully aware on many occasions that the things I choose to do are for comfort and not care. I know this doesn't seem like a big deal, and it's all too common of new parents and spouses, but for me it has been something I've been thinking about for a year. Anyway it has the find me as I work through who I am and the choices that I have made as a new parents and a new spouse.

So, I have a lot going on right now. I was offered and accepted an opportunity to be an advisor for the number one teaching University in the country and I'm really excited. Unfortunately, like my other for roles it is part time and requires a lot of effort from me in addition to my full-time teaching responsibilities. That brings me in 23 University level positions comma a board of directors position, an evaluator position and a full-time teacher. To say that I get pretty damn tired is an understatement. While trying to also keep myself healthy... I sleep well. I opted not to apply for summer jobs because of the amount of traveling I'm doing. Again none of these actually make me any money but I feel like in order to get the university level position that is going to pay well enough for me to only have one or two jobs Kama I have to lay the groundwork now. Right now that includes a trip to Minnesota for my residency, a trip to see my parents for a family reunion, a trip to Boston for a week-long conference, a trip to the Space Center in Alabama, possibly a trip down to the university and Baltimore and a trip to Toronto Canada see something about it educational theory and approach. any person who comments the teachers get the Summers off can kiss my white ass. :-) I am looking forward to sleeping in a couple days in there though. :-) and I'm really hoping to hike some stuff in northern Minnesota and Michigan I have not been in there I've never been there before